Some loss moms donate breastmilk as a way to honor their stillborn baby. As much as I liked the idea I personally didn't have the emotional strength to do it. If you are located in the Midwest then this site can help you donate milk to help babies in NICU. HMB has milk donation locations across the US and a couple locations in Canada. If you live in the UK check out UKAMB. Australia has a lot of options for milk donation. 

Some people also have jewelry made with the breastmilk. I would suggest collecting a little bit and storing it in the freezer just in case you decide later that you would like to make something with it. I regretted not collecting any.  Here are some companies that make breastmilk jewelry: Beyond the Willow Tree, Jori Breastmilk Jewelry, and Indigo Willow 

For stopping breastmilk production I suggestion using cold green cabbage leaves in a tight sports or nursing bra. Squeeze the leaves before placing them in order to express some of the liquid. You can also take Sudafed daily to suppress production. Heat feels good, but it will encourage milk production so try to avoid. Ice packs are more helpful. I suggest having someone take the cabbage leaves off the head and store them in a ziplock bag in the fridge for you. You can also store them in the freezer if you want. Mint is also a common recommendation for helping with engorged breasts. I've seen recommendations for No More Milk Tea. 

Your breasts are going to hurt and they are going to leak occasionally especially when you think about your baby. This is normal. It is also possible your milk will never come. That is also normal. Either way it is likely to be emotional. 

Contact your doctor if the pain is excruciating and/or your breasts have bright red patches as you may have Mastitis. 

Here is an episode of the podcast Finding Hope After Loss where the host interviews a lactation consultant about this topic. NOTE: I suggest starting at 14:44 because in the beginning they talk about breastfeeding in general and so loss parents will likely want to skip that. 

The general rule that you have likely heard is 6 weeks. If you had major tearing or a C-section then you will likely need at least 6 weeks to heal. However if you had minor tears or no tears then you are likely able to have sex at around 4 weeks or whenever your lochia (postpartum bleeding) completely stops. It is best to be cleared with your OB or midwife first though. 

Many loss parents parents are craving intimacy and may want to have sex sooner than 6 weeks in order to feel closer to their partner. While many other loss parents find they have no sex drive in the face of this incredible loss. If this is you then try to find other ways to strengthen your connection with you partner. 

Take it slow both figuratively and literally. If there is any pain back off and try again later. A small amount of bleeding may be normal, but contact your medical team if there is a lot of bleeding or it doesn't stop after a day.  

You can listen to this episode of At a Total Loss where the host talks to a sex and marriage coach about intimacy and sex after loss. She does focus on working with Christian families just FYI. 

If you stop milk production you will likely return to normal menstruation cycles in about 6 weeks.  For most people it is between 4-8 weeks. For stillbirth it doesn't seem to make a huge difference whether it was full term or not. 

When it comes to periods after birth it seems that abnormal is normal. Before pregnancy I had very heavy periods and when my periods returned they were shorter and lighter than normal. While most people say their periods after birth are extremely heavy.  It is also normal to have more variation in the time in between periods. You might also have a normal period or two and then start having abnormal periods. My third and fourth cycles after birth were quite late and there was more brown blood and clotting than normal. Hormonal changes from postpartum last for about six months and even longer if you are breastfeeding so don't be surprised if your cycles remain abnormal or become abnormal at any point during those first six months. I started to worry that I was entering perimenopause since I seemed to have all the symptoms, but postpartum can be very similar to perimenopause. 

Many birthing people find their first period after loss to be a hard experience and reminder of their loss so be sure to be kind to yourself. I went to a virtual support group on the day my period started and it was very helpful to be with people who understood all the complicated feels that come with your first mensuration after loss. 

In the first few weeks after Genevieve was born I would get intense feelings of anxiety. I felt like my arms were so empty and I felt like the need to hold my daughter might just kill me. You will hear many people talk about the feeling of empty arms as well as see the phrase used in books and groups. The pain and anxiety that come with empty arms is real. 

It can be helpful to hold something in place of your baby. I ordered this doll on Amazon and returned it a month later when I didn't need it anymore. It was helpful, but it is very light in comparison to an actual baby. This doll is made of full silicone so feels more like a real baby. It is pretty expensive and not as cute, but will feel much more realistic both touch and weight. 

I highly, highly recommend getting a weighted bear. I waited a while to order mine partly discouraged by the long waitlists. We eventually ordered one from Phoenix Bear. From the moment our Genevieve Bear arrived I have felt so comforted. It is so comforting to hold her and feel Genevieve's weight. You can check out multiple options for weighted bears listed on the Remembrance page. 

Ultimately it is up to you to make this decision. You may be told by an OB that you should wait 12-18 months before trying again if you had a full term loss. This suggestion is from the World Health Organization and is based on studies that showed it was harder on the birthing person's body and the baby to have back to back pregnancies. I was told by my midwife that since those studies were with mothers who had living children, so a lot of the strain on their bodies had to do with taking care of an infant while being pregnant. Therefore it isn't as relevant to loss parents. 

Keep in mind that if you just experienced your loss then you still have a lot of hormones rushing through your body that think you should be pregnant or have an infant. From my own experience and what I've seen over and over again in support groups is that right after a loss there is an intense urge to get pregnant again right away, but as hormones level out you'll get a better idea of how long you would actually like to wait. I suggest giving yourself at least a month or two to focus on grieving before you decide if and when you want to start trying again. 

Also be aware that if you are on a leave and hope to take a leave with a future baby your employer may have requirements that there must be a full 12 months in between when one paid leave ends and the next begins. 

Stillborn Babies

In most states (including Illinois) stillborn babies do not receive birth certificates.  However you can get a certificate of birth resulting in stillbirth or a stillbirth certificate in many states. Here is the application if you are located in Illinois. If you are in a different state or want to learn more about certificates of stillbirth check out this website created by the Star Legacy Foundation. 

Neonatal Loss

You will likely receive a birth certificate, but be warned it may have a stamp on it that says "Deceased" which can be very painful to see. 

Note this information is for the united states only. 

If your baby was stillborn then unfortunately you can not claim them as a dependent on your taxes. Another cruel way in which we are told our babies don't count.  There are a few states that offer tax deductions for stillborn babies. More information on the Star Foundation website. 

If your baby was born alive and has a birth certificate then you can claim them on your taxes even if they only lived for a moment is what it says on this site. However I have heard from loss parents in various online groups that they were denied a tax

This can vary quite a lot depending on where you live. I have heard people say anywhere between a few weeks to a year. In Chicago it seems to be around 2-3 months. 

I have heard a few people say that no one ever contacted them when the results came in and that they needed to call the hospital themselves to find out. Ask the hospital what the expected wait time will be and whether or not they will contact you. Then if you haven't heard back in the expected window then reach back out. Also make sure that they schedule an appointment with you to have an expert go over the results with you. It does seem like if the hospital may be at some fault then they tend to not be as forthcoming with the results. 

Another option for photo editing is Baby Angel Pics Project. They have professional photo editors and provide one free edit per family. I haven't used it yet because I haven't decide which photo I want my one free edit to be. The edits done by Baby Angel Pics that I've seen from other loss parents are incredible and they can handle premature baby edits that the people on the Facebook group might not be able to handle. 

Another option that will touch up pictures and turn them to black and white is Now I Lay Me Down to Sleep. 

First of all I'm so sorry that you are having to deal with this on top of your horrible loss. Unfortunately you are absolutely going to come across unsupportive people or hurtful comments.  The loss of a child is so traumatic and unimaginable that most people aren't going to know what to say. Even other loss parents or even your partner may say things that rub you the wrong way. We all experience grief differently and it is important to recognize that. I've found that the people who have made me feel the most supported are the ones who don't say much at all and instead hold space for me. 

One thing I have found essential is to focus less on the words people use and more on the care behind the words. When someone says something like, "everything happens for reason" instead of shouting at them (or whatever my initial instinct might be) I remind myself that it is likely what they think will be helpful for me and their intention is to comfort me. I always tell my students "assume positive intent" and it has been essential (though difficult) for me during this time.  I had a nurse during a follow up appointment tell me, "Remember God only gives these things to his strongest warriors." In the moment all I could do was just say, "okay," and end the conversation. I know from past appointments that that nurse has been struggling with infertility herself and I would guess that she was repeating something that she tells herself and finds comforting.  If you are able to just smile and nod at inconsiderate things that said with the best intention it will help you avoid getting worked up and angry which will ultimately be damaging to your own wellbeing. That's not to say that you should allow people to say things that are hurtful and not say anything. I suggest not saying something while you are in a heightened emotional state. Take a few breaths, go meditate, get yourself a treat, do whatever you need to feel grounded and then tell the person how you feel. Keep it simple like, "When you said/did _______ it made me feel ______." Also offer them an option of what to do instead. For example say, "I find phrases like ______ hurtful and I prefer hearing _________ instead." If the person is someone you know tends to get really defensive and doesn't respond well to criticism then skip saying anything about what they did that was hurtful and instead just say things like, "I know you want to support me and the best way to do so is to _________" or "I would really appreciate if you don't try to offer me advice or talk about ______" 

If you have made clear boundaries and given them other options as ways to support you and they continue to say or do things that are hurtful it may be time to cut them out of your life. A lot of people going through loss may find they loss friends and family members as well. These secondary losses can be very painful. If it is a best friend, a partner, or a family member you may want to try talking to them within a therapy environment. Most insurance will cover not only couples counseling, but family counseling and will allow you to meet with a family member or friend. You could ask your individual counselor to meet with you and the person or have another mental health professional work with the two of you. If they are unwilling to do that with you then that is another sign that it may be time to let go of the relationship. 

Try to avoid big blowouts with the person as that will not be helpful for your mental health. Set your clear boundaries and any reasonable requests you have and if they can't honor those then it is time for a break which may end up being permanent. You don't have to tell them you are taking a break or if you want to simply say something like, "I need to take a break from this relationship." 

Some people may be incapable of facing the death of your child and your grief. If they have their own trauma or grief that they haven't processed they may see your grief as a reminder of their own and want to avoid it. They may say things like, "get over it already." This is likely because that is what they were told by society or themselves when they were facing a loss or trauma. One of the greatest gift you can give them (although it will unlikely be welcomed) is to allow them to see you processing and healing from your own grief and trauma in a healthy and active way.  It is not your job or responsibility to deal with their grief and trauma on top of your own so make sure you on not taking on theirs. Instead just be aware of the place in which their horrible advice is coming from to protect yourself. 

There is no right or wrong answer to this question. You may find that your answer changes over time or is different depending on the day. That's okay. You don't need to explain yourself to anyone! Don't feel bad if you say you don't have kids or say the number of living kids you have that doesn't mean you don't love and honor your child who has left this world. Sometimes we don't have the strength to talk about our loss especially with strangers. 

Don't worry about making others uncomfortable by mentioning your loss. It is not your responsibility to comfort others when it comes to your loss. 

Many loss parents will say things like, "I don't have any living children" or "I have one living child" some find it comforting to say things like, "I have two children who walk and one who sores." Again say whatever feels right for you. 

Genevieve is my first born child so I can't speak to it as a parent, but I can speak to this as grieving sibling. I was 5 when my baby sister died at birth due to a botched resuscitation. My parents made the decision to allow me to see and hold my sister. I'm very grateful for this because it helped me understand that she passed and allows me to still feel more connected with her.  

This episode of Finding Hope After Loss is with Jessica Correnti, a certified child life specialist and loss mom. I would definitely recommend listening to it if you have any older children. You can also check Jessica's website Kids Grief Support or get her children's book Forever Connected for bereaved siblings. 

The book There Was a Baby is another popular children's book also written by a mental health professional. It especially good for miscarriage, stillbirth, and neonatal loss. 

I Miss The Baby is a simple and sweet book that goes through the different ways a sibling might be feeling after a pregnancy loss. The pictures show a wide range of diverse families. 

If your loss is from TFMR there is a 5 book series for children. Starting with the first book: Our Baby is Going to Die

For children 7-12 you can get this grief journal with guided prompts for processing grief. 

You can also have a personalized book made about your loss baby at Malia's Present

This is so common! Most relationships have trouble after loss. A loss will highlight and intensify any existing problems as well as create new issues. I highly recommend seeing a couples counselor who is grief informed. I think a big reason why my husband and I were able to stay so connected after our loss is that we already had experience with couples counseling and continued after our loss. Another reason is that we both grieve very similarly. Most people grieve differently than their partners and it is important to understand that just because your partner isn't grieving the same way you are doesn't mean they aren't grieving. Talk with your partner about how they are grieving, this can help you not feel so alone. Going to support groups together can also be very helpful. 

One couple I know through a support group were having a lot of problems after their loss in part because they were both grieving differently. They were able to reconnect thanks to couple's counseling, especially the advice to write and leave post-it notes about what they appreciated about the other person. 

Another couple in a support group suggested the book Holding on to Love After You've Lost a Baby. 

You can download a free guide for re-connecting with your partner made by Jennifer Senn who is a loss mom and life coach. 

I see this question so often in online support groups. I've seen loss parents even be asked to plan a baby shower shortly after their loss. The resounding suggestions is normally "decline." I personally don't ever want to go to another baby shower for the rest of my life. Seeing pregnant people is very triggering for me. I had 3 baby showers for Genevieve (one in California where I'm from, one in Iowa where my husband is from, and one in Chicago where we live). Any baby shower I go to is going to remind me of one or all of those events. I will be both jealous and scared at a baby shower. That isn't fair for me or the people being celebrated. If you think that going to a baby shower would be healing for you then go. But otherwise decline the invite. Even if it is your best friend or your sibling. They should understand and be supportive. You can still get them a gift if that feels comfortable, but opting for a gift card is likely going to be best since even looking at a registry or baby items can be triggering. If you initially agreed to go and are now dreading it, you can still decline. Do what is best for you. 

You can go to the website Does the Dog Die and create a free account and add triggers like miscarriages, child death, and others. Then you can search movies or tv shows and see if they have those triggers. Unfortunately it doesn't have things that other people may find happy, but can be triggering to loss parents such as healthy pregnancy and happy families. 

Grieving your baby is loving your baby and therefore honoring them.  Don't force yourself to do things just because you see others doing them. Taking care of yourself is honoring your baby and in the early days of loss that is likely all you will be able to manage. If you are looking for more ways to connect with your baby here are some suggestions. 

• Light a candle. For the first few months my husband and I had a candle burning during all supervised hours. When we lit it we would say good morning to Genevieve and we would say goodnight to her every night when we blew it out. In some of my darkest moments the candle light would be my guiding light and I would talk to Genevieve while watching the flame flicker.  

• Write letters or write in a journal. Recording your thoughts can be so helpful for healing. It was very helpful for me to write in my journal the first few weeks after losing Genevieve. I am privileged to be able to attend therapy frequently so that has been very helpful for getting my ideas out. When I was 5 and my baby sister died at birth my mom started a journal where she wrote letters to my sister, Jamila. She also had me dictate letters to my sister. I found that very helpful as a way to connect with both my sister and my mother during that time. I would suggest that as an activity for any loss parents to do with any living children. I have that journal still to this day and read the entries again after my own loss. 

• Tell your baby's story. You might find it incredibly painful to talk about your baby. In my experience even though it was painful it also was healing. At first I could only talk about Genevieve in support groups with other loss parents or in therapy. As I continued telling her story it became easier and more empowering. Some people may not want to hear your baby's story or see pictures because they may want to avoid the sadness. Don't take it personally. Tell them that you would love to share your child's story and/or pictures with them when they are ready. 

• Keep growing your baby's story. If your baby was stillborn or you had a miscarriage then you likely feel you don't know much about your baby.  You probably know more about your baby then you realize. If you are the birthing parent then you had however long the pregnancy lasted to connect with your baby. You probably got certain feelings about your baby or noticed trends and preferences your baby had. Genevieve loved blueberries. I ate them almost every day because I had a strong craving for them and I believe she was excited every time she tasted them in the amniotic fluid. If you are the non-birthing parent ask your partner and think about what you saw and felt during ultrasounds or moments when you could feel the baby moving. I've leaned on my intuition and the feelings I had while pregnant to create Genevieve's story. For example her favorite color is blue. I have know way of knowing that for sure and small children often change their favorite colors, but something told me that blue is her favorite color.  

• Keep the line of communication with your baby open. Some people write letters to their child and then write responses from them. Depending on your beliefs you may feel that your child is writing back to you through you or you may believe that it is unconscious writing the letter back. Either way it can be a helpful exercise. I talk to Genevieve often and sometimes a message from her comes into my head. One day I was walking in the forest and was drawn to some red leaves on the ground. I picked them up and immediately thought of Genevieve. I said out loud, "I thought your favorite color was blue, sweet girl." and then I heard in my head, "I can love more than one thing, Mommy."  

• Create an altar or area for your baby. We have a cart that we have set up as an altar. Our altar has a candle, Genevieve's footprints and handprints, the book we read to her in the hospital, dried flowers, pictures of her including ultrasound pictures, and a few other items that make us think of her. Some loss parents like to get fresh flowers regularly for their babies. I know some loss parents change their altars based on the season. 

• Find a ritual or tradition that works for you. I know some loss parents set aside a specific time each day to grieve. If you are working or feeling detached from your grief it might be helpful to have a specific time or place to focus on grieving. Maybe exercise or going out into nature might be a way you feel connected to your child. Maybe you have a space you like to decorate for your child. Whatever works for you is the best way to honor your child. 

• Get a tattoo in honor of your child.  My husband got an absolutely beautiful tattoo in honor of Genevieve and some of her ashes were in the ink. 

• Donate to an organization in your child's name. We donated to the Jane's Room Foundation and Baby Spirit Foundation since those were both foundations that eased the pain of this horrific experience of stillbirth in the very beginning. We also asked others to donate to these foundations in Genevieve's name. Finley Project is another foundation that I have donated to.

• Do a random act of kindness in your child's name.  The Miss Foundation has a template for cards to you can print out that say the random act of kindness was done in memory of our baby and has a spot to write your child's name. Dr. Joanne Cacciatore who started the Miss Foundation talks about the power of these acts of kindness in her book Bearing the Unbearable (this is one of my #1 recommendation for books to read). 

• Do something to give back to the loss community in your child's name. Don't over commit yourself or do anything that feels overwhelming. Start small and find small ways that feel good. Helping other loss parents can feel really empowering, but make sure you wait until you are ready. You can volunteer with the Star Legacy Foundation in a variety of ways including researching and/or advocating for change to protect future babies from stillbirth and infant loss. There are lots of other amazing foundations around the country and world you can volunteer with. Or if see something that is missing you could consider creating your own foundation. 

It is very common to have feelings of guilt and shame whenever you do anything other than be miserable. So many loss parents express feeling this way. I understand the reason and have experienced it myself. It is okay to let go of that guilt and shame. If your baby would have lived there would have been times when you left the baby with your partner, a family member, or a babysitter in order to do something fun.  You would have experienced some guilt then too, but you would have also recognized that you needed some time away from your baby in order to recharge and be your best self. Society would have recognized that too and not blamed you for the break. You need that same break as a bereaved parent. It is okay to have fun. Your grief for your child will be there for the rest of your life. It can co-exist with joy. It does not mean you grieve or love any less purely if you also have moments of pure joy. Would you have allowed yourself to have fun without your baby if they had lived? Of course you would have. And in that case your baby would have missed you. In this case since your baby didn't live they aren't waiting for you at home they are in your heart, why not bring them out to have some fun with you. It does not mean you love your baby any less or grieve for them any less when you allow yourself to have fun. Your baby is with you having fun just as they are with you when you are deep in grief. Joy and sorrow can co-exist and let yourself feel both when they come without any guilt or shame. 

If you are dreading holidays after loss you are not alone. It is okay to skip a holiday or celebrate it differently than you normally would. You may also want to lean into a holiday or tradition extra hard after loss. Do whatever feels most healing for you. And it is absolutely okay to change your mind at any point even in the moment. Don't let anyone make you feel like you have to commit to anything or be or act a certain way. You are grieving and your grief journey is unique to you. 

This episode of At a Total Loss was helpful for me preparing for holidays after loss. 

Jennifer Senn who is a life coach and loss mom has a free download on her website for honoring your baby during the holidays.  

You are a loss parent just like loss parents who lost their babies a different way.  Most resources for loss parents do not have restrictions on the nature of loss so unless there are specific requirements listed you are welcome in all loss parent spaces. Here are some resources that are specifically for TFMR:

• TFMR Mamas has so many resources for people all around the world

  • TFMR Mamas Podcast

• PSI TFMR Support Group

• Empty Arms TFMR Support Group 

• If you have other children there is a 5 book series especially for families going through TFMR. 

Personally what has been most supportive for me is having someone listen to me talk about my daughter and allowing me to cry while holding space for me. There isn't anything you can say to make it the pain go away so listening more than talking is often helpful. Also taking care of chores and basic tasks can be very helpful, but ask the loss parents which tasks would be most helpful. One loss dad I know said that he was grateful when people started a meal train for him and his wife, but it also meant that he could no longer cook for his wife and he would have preferred people helped in a different way. 

One thing I've learned from being in support groups with loss parents is that every bereaved parent has different desires and needs for being supported. You can get suggestions of what was helpful for one person, but it might not be what your friend or family member would find supportive. I think communication is very important. Ask the person questions about what would be supportive, but make sure the questions aren't too open as that can feel overwhelming. So instead of simply asking "how can I support you?" try asking things like "would it be helpful if I..." and give a specific suggestion. Also you can check in and ask things like "How did it make you feel when I..."

I have created a full page of resources for support people check it out for more suggestions.